Do animals grieve? Of course they do. Animals of all kinds have sophisticated family systems and interpersonal relationships with one another. Just like us, they form very close bonds with some, and not so much with others. Just like us, they have besties, and when their friend dies, they mourn. And just like us they experience grief in their own unique way.

Evidence shows that human’s aren’t the only creatures to grieve the passing of a loved one, however, it is a challenging thing to study and there is more anecdotal evidence than there is empirical study. Mark Bekoff, former professor of ecology and evolutionary biology at the University of Colorado, Boulder and Author of The Emotional Lives of Animals, cites examples of animals displaying grief in the wild while mourning lost companions and explains that, “categorically denying emotions to animals because they cannot be studied directly does not constitute a reasonable argument against their existence … current interdisciplinary research provides compelling evidence that many animals experience such emotions as joy, fear, love, despair, and grief—we are not alone.”

Animal behaviorists who have studied the bereaved noticed some specific changes in behavior including: increased/decreased need for attention, spending time in the deceased pets favorite spot, decreased appetite, eating more slowly, increased vocalization, decreased activity, sleeping more, and separation anxiety.

In the study of human grief and bereavement there is a distinction made between “normal” vs. “complicated” grief. “Normal” follows an expected trajectory where people move through the process and eventually start to feel better. With complicated grief, something has gone awry and prevents the typical course grievers take. When this happens, when grievers are stuck and just not getting better, we begin to look for what is inhibiting their progress. We often look to past losses that were inadequately grieved, or missing information needed for the healing process to take place. An issue that often comes up is, “I never got to say goodbye”.

This is a typical complicating factor for animals. Their friend just disappeared, they had no closure, and they don’t understand where they went. There are many stories of animals in the wild grieving for a departed family member. So it’s something to consider … sometimes it is extremely helpful to animal companions to have a moment to visit with their friends body, so that they can see for themselves that their friend has passed. Unfortunately, that is not always possible.

Here are a few suggestions to help support your bereaved pet.

• If your pet did not have the opportunity to visit with their friends body it can be helpful to let them smell something that was with their friend after they had passed ie: a clipping of their fur, their collar or blanket or pet carrier, or a paw print that the vet made. It is also helpful to talk to them directly and explain to them what happened to their friend.
• Be a calm/grounding presence, acknowledge for your pet that you know they are sad and let them know it’s ok to be sad. It just takes time. Be patient and respect their needs — if they want more attention give it to them, but best not to force it on them if they just need alone time.
• Keep to normal routines as much as possible—walks, mealtimes, playtime are all supportive activities. Just like with people it’s ok to occasionally offer a distraction, as long as you respect when they say “no”.

One of the most powerful aspects of healing is sharing it with another. Consciously and compassionately offering support and comfort to each other will undoubtedly help you both.

– by Lisa Havelin, MA, MFA, LMFT

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Built to cry…

The grief that accompanies the loss of a beloved companion animal is profound and the pain of that loss can be felt emotionally, spiritually, and physically.  Grief is a grueling physical experience and shedding tears is one of the ways our body supports us in processing and healing from loss.

Sadness and grief are the emotions that help us with loss.  When a significant loss is sustained there is a buildup of emotion that, if we allow it, is expressed physically through crying.  That release often helps us “process” the experience we are facing and among other things, can help us to recover some mental balance.

Scientific research supports the belief that crying is good for our health.  Generally, it is agreed that there is a buildup of toxic stress hormones that are released into our bodies prior to crying.  Stress hormones negatively affect virtually every system in our bodies.  We know that tears contain these hormones and help to cleanse our bodies of them.  Thus, crying is a natural and essential biological function that results in the elimination of stress hormones associated with stress-related health problems. Crying relieves stress, lowers blood pressure, removes toxic stress hormones, and also helps to remove manganese, a mineral which is responsible for negative effects on mood.

Neuroscientist and tear researcher, Dr. William H. Frey explains that, “crying is not only a human response to sorrow, it’s a healthy one.  Crying is a natural way to reduce emotional stress that, left unchecked, has negative effects on the body, including increasing the risk of cardiovascular disease and other stress related disorders”.

The “water” in you…

The human body is 60% water and our blood is 83% water.  Metaphorically speaking, it may be useful to think of the water in our body as our “body of water” and in that way consider its function, the ways it flows, or is dammed.  When we experience a shock to our system, such as the death of a loved one, we become tense.  Stress hormones build up in our bodies and we may even get a lump in our throat.  All of these create a sense of blockage – damming our energy and waters.  Tears restore flow, allowing our water and energy to move freely – opening our waterways, connecting us to our healing waters…. cleansing us.

In her book, The Language of Emotions: What Your Feelings Are Trying To Tell You, Karla McLaren explains that, “many of us, because we’ve had such poor socialization around sadness, think that sadness is only about loss, it’s not.  Sadness is also about restoring flow, ease, and relaxation…. Because when you finally let go of things that just don’t work, you’ll suddenly have room for things that do.”  McLaren says that the questions to ask of sadness are, “What must be released? And what must be rejuvenated?

In the case of grief and its accompanying sadness, we do not have a choice about whether or not to let our loved one go, their life has come to a close.  Sadness and tears help us with the very difficult task of letting go of the things that can no longer be held on to, restoring the flow of our “healing waters”, and creating space for us to move into what comes next.

– Written by Lisa Havelin MA, MFA, LMFT © Copyright 2011 Lisa Havelin and MN Pets LLC

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There is no way to overstate the importance of the remains of our deceased loved ones, and the compelling necessity of honoring them – the studio is an honoring place. Ashes, hair, bones, feathers, dirt, rocks, plants, all have their place and home, and are welcome here. When a Pet Reliquaries friend sends the precious remains of their loved one to me for the creation of a reliquary, those remains are cared for throughout the entire process. When I receive them they are placed on a protected shrine in the studio, where they stay until they are ready to be sealed inside of the reliquary. They are safe here.

studio shrine with portrait of Ms. Moppet

Have you ever had the experience of speaking out loud to someone who has passed? I do, I talk to them all the time. Even though they have departed their physical bodies, they are still with us, waiting for us to find ways to stay connected to them, to hear from us. In part, that is what memorialization is all about. I frequently ask my clients for a picture of their animal, which I like to put above my jewelers bench while I’m making their reliquary. I find comfort and inspiration in getting to know them a little bit, I greet them when I come into the studio, and often share some of the wonderful things I know about them from the stories their people have told me. I let them know all is well.

Lisa’s jeweler’s bench

When a loved one dies it is hard not to contemplate where they have gone. When they leave their physical bodies do they still exist in another form? Can they hear us? Do they communicate with us? Love us? Protect us? This questioning and attending is part of the rugged territory of grieving. Reliquaries hold them close, and are meant to inspire our creative, intuitive selves to attend to our hearts, to find ways to stay connected that make sense to us, and to honor the living life we share.

~ Lisa Havelin

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And it couldn’t be more true—when the one that we love, the one that gives meaning and joy to life dies, our being steps into a mysterious, and disorienting territory. It is a world that is “other” than the place we knew and trusted, and we are suddenly heaved into an existential experience. This unfamiliar place often offers us little choice but to surrender to the process of grieving the loss of a life that once held our loved one here with us.

There is no way to overstate the pain of such a loss, and the grueling somatic and spiritual task of living without the physical closeness of our beloved; of grappling with where they have gone and if they are still with us somehow. Our culture very often tells us that we “need to let go”, but finding ways to stay connected, I think, is the true task of what grief calls us to.

– Lisa Havelin, MA, MFA, LAMFT

Samoyed by Mary Ludington

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It is a common expression of concern for men to hear that “it’s important to express your feelings about this loss.”  The prevailing conventional “wisdom” is that men do not necessarily grieve well… that they could be better at expressing emotion.

In part, this is due to the fact that historically the field of psychology has primarily studied the ways women dealt with grief, and so tended to think of emotionality as the most effective way of working with grief, to the exclusion of most of the other ways people commonly experience it.  The widely held belief has been that there is only one way to grieve, and that way is to explore the emotional effects of your loved one’s death in order to resolve grief.

Reality Check

We now know that the evidence and literature no longer support this notion.  In fact, grief is manifested in many different ways; physically, emotionally, cognitively, behaviorally and spiritually.  Grief is a very individual reaction and people do the “tasks” of grieving differently, those differences are not necessarily better or worse, they are just different.

Men often have a more active way of grieving and women a more emotional way, but those differences do not always divide along lines of gender.   Another way to think about it is that some people grieve in a more “intuitive” way (many women) and others in a more “instrumental” way (many men).  Intuitive grievers experience strong emotional reactions, their facial expressions often reflect those emotions, and they primarily process their grief through the expression and exploration of their feelings.  Instrumental grievers experience their grief more cognitively and physically, and primarily express that through thinking and doing.  Intuitive grievers will often cry whereas an instrumental griever is more likely think about their lost loved one.  Shakespeare is said to have dealt with the grief of losing his 11-year-old son by writing plays, which is a good example of “instrumental” grieving.

How To Be Supportive

Instrumental grievers have often gotten the inaccurate message that the way they are grieving is inadequate, and in that way often feel disenfranchised.  Validating their way of dealing with their grief can be such a huge relief.  Let them know that you understand that they are dealing with the loss of their beloved pet in their own way and offer them your full support in doing that.  Instrumental grievers may benefit from “doing” things as it relates to loss.  End-of-life planning and caretaking, tasks related to companioning a pet through their final transition, helping to care for their body after death, and planning and preparing memorials are all “thinking” and “doing” tasks that may help them to experience their grief more thoroughly and to feel acknowledged, supported and appreciated in doing so in their own unique way. Go to Ways People Grieve: Part II

– Written by Lisa Havelin MA, MFA, LMFT © Copyright 2011 Lisa Havelin and MN Pets LLC

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