My name is Lisa Havelin…….welcome to my very first blog post.  I started Pet Reliquaries in 1991 when my beloved cat Miss Moppet died, she was 23 and she and I had been together all of those years.  At the time I was in graduate school studying toward a master of fine arts degree in metalsmithing.  Reliquaries are an ancient form developed to contain a relic and were part of the history of metalsmithing so it was a natural move to want to work with Miss Moppet’s ashes and the reliquary form as part of my work as an artist.  Since then I have been making these reliquaries for people who want to create a memorial object for their beloved animal.  I am honored to be able to do this work with people which is tied to my most authentic self.  My first post offers insights about how to honor our beloved animals during the holidays.

‘Heart work’ of the holidays

The holidays inevitably call us to the ‘heart work’ of our relationships.This is particularly so in the instances of relationships where our intimate other has died, and even more so in the case of our beloved animal family members.  Grief associated with the loss of an animal is often disenfranchised grief meaning it is not entirely understood or accepted as important by our human companions or communities.  This makes the already strenuous grieving process over the loss of a beloved animal an even more complex process than it already is.  Allowing the grief we feel some room, time, and attention to move through us is an important gift to give ourselves, our families and most importantly our relationship with our departed beloved.

Honoring our departed beloved

There are as many ways of honoring our departed animals as there are people and animals.  The main thing is to sit quietly for a moment with the memory of your animal and allow that connection some space, time and attention.  Grieving is a formidable task and it is normal to want to avoid the pain of it.  In general people do this by keeping busy.  The simplest most honorable way to remember your animal is to simply take a moment from the speed of life to allow that heart connection to be…….it is the root of compassion and peace.  Give thanks privately.

Often what happens from taking that time out is that you allow your imagination and creativity into the mix which spontaneously ignites inspiration.  Here are a few ideas.

Telling the story

Our lives with animals are filled with routines.  Often there is a well worn path where you went for walks with your dog, or a favorite radiator or window sill where your cat loved to nap.  Revisit these places alone or together with family members, often the ‘groundedness’ of the place provides the opportunity to recall and verbalize memories of your animal.  It is important to be open to what comes up, frequently these moments will be accompanied by tears, try to hold a nonjudgemental attitude and compassion for the tears to flow…….they are our healing waters, they restore flow when we are stuck.  Telling our personal stories is a powerful, creative process.

Make an offering

It is traditional to create a special place to make an offering in memory of a deceased loved one.  Our family has Christmas stockings for our animals as well as our humans.  Sadly, our beloved Tex died several years ago and for a few years following her death we continued to put her stocking up.  Family members used her stocking as a place to make offerings.  These consisted of treats, favorite toys, photos of her beloved people and places, poems etc…..the stocking provided a focus for each member of the family to privately sift through personal memories and then choose an object or substance that represented it, many interesting things were collected there.

One could take that idea in a variety of directions.  Sometimes it can be as simple as looking through photographs and choosing one to display and lighting a votive candle next to it in remembrance.  Or getting out some drawing materials and drawing a picture of your dear one.  You could also collect some creative materials to draw and construct with (paper, cardboard, paints, pencils, glitter etc…).  You could make a memorial ornament, collage, or shrine.

Giving……generosity is the ornament of the world

An especially fitting gesture is to make a Christmas donation to an animal charity organization in your pet’s name.  Perhaps your pet’s veterinarian has a companion animal fund that was established to help less financially fortunate families afford to seek veterinary treatments for their sick animal that they might not otherwise be able to afford.  Of course, your local animal shelter will always put your donation to good use.  Or you could create a cozy quilt in your animals name to donate to a shelter for use in keeping animals without homes comfortable.

Grief and children

Children are highly sensitive people, they always and accurately sense when something is amiss…….they know when you are sad.  It is important for children to be included in any memorialization process and to remember that children need simple, honest language about death.  Frequently children have lingering and mistaken impressions of death, especially if language like “put down”, or “put to sleep” were used to describe a death or euthenasia.  Memorialization sometimes brings up these misconceptions and it is important to bring more clarity to the subject.  

As difficult as it may feel to allow grief into our holiday there is always a gift in doing it……mostly through connecting us with our hearts which is often the most important thing our beloved animal companions taught us to do.

For more information about grieving the loss of companion animals please look at the University of Minnesota’s Veterinary Medical Centers’ “Coping with the loss of your companion animal” booklet which also has a bibliography for further reading:

http://www.cvm.umn.edu/img/assets/9386/Grief%20Booklet-Web.pdf

You can also visit their Social Work homepage at:

http://www.cvm.umn.edu/vmc/aboutvmc/clientsupport.html

Lisa Havelin

LAMFT, MA, MFA

http://www.petreliquaries.com